Who emerged with credit in the land of fake champagne?

Five winners:

1. Felipe Massa The little Brazilian was faster than anyone else throughout the entire weekend – he consistently outperformed Kimi Raikkonen, his world champion team-mate, and no one could argue that he didn’t deserve his second straight win at Sakhir.

2. Martin Brundle ITV’s wing man came up with the quote of the GP. Whilst on his customary grid walk, Brundle chatted with Eric Clapton, who revealed that he had been asked to wave the chequered flag at the end of the race. Clapton admitted that he didn’t know whether to ‘hold it [the flag] in one or two hands’. Brundle, who had no doubt been looking for the opportunity to make a sly reference to the Max Mosley debacle, replied: ‘That’s very topical at the moment’. Sharp, Martin, very sharp.

3. Robert Kubica The lanky bean Pole had a breakthrough weekend, snatching pole position and finishing on the podium. BMW Sauber deserve a mention too, for quietly sneaking up on Ferrari and McLaren over the winter. Kubica fact of the day: he does the best Borat impression in F1.

4. Jenson Button Still no points on the board, but Bahrain was a massive step in the right direction for Button and Honda. He qualified in 9th and was running in 8th before a puncture, followed by a clash with David Coulthard (DC’s fault), ruined his Sunday.

5. Jarno Trulli The most inconsistent driver in F1 had one of his good days. For once, Trulli maintained his early pace to end up with a respectable 6th-place finish.

And five losers:

1. Lewis Hamilton Nothing went right for Hamilton all weekend, but at least he showed maturity in apologising to his team for a below-par performance, and also for not blaming Fernando Alonso for their coming-together at the start of the race. Hamilton will bounce back, and quickly.

2. Max Mosley The FIA chief didn’t turn up in Bahrain, but he was still the topic of most conversations/butt of most jokes in and around the pit lane. How can he possibly survive until the next grand prix?

3. Fernando Alonso Tangled with Lewis Hamilton early on (did he brake-test the Briton? More on that later…) and struggled for pace thereafter. Quite apart from his erratic performance, the Spaniard is fast gaining a reputation as the most petulant man in F1. He shook his fist angrily at Timo Glock, for no apparent reason. If he carries on like this, Ferrari won’t want him, and he’ll end up stuck at Renault in a shitty car.

4. David Coulthard At fault for taking out Jenson Button, whose Honda was clearly faster than Coulthard’s ailing Red Bull: the Scot should have let his English mate pass him. He is involved in too many shunts these days.

5. The race stewards Chose not to investigate the Alonso/Hamilton incident. Why? Couldn’t they be bothered to do their job?