Tora! Tora! Tora!

“We’re gonna need a bigger windscreen-wiper…”

The perils of being a motorsport fan…

“Damn kid, why the hell don’t you look where you’re going… oh, it’s me that’s supposed to do that? … right… (drives off sheepishly)”

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The best-executed faceplant you’ll see today

To the sound of pumping techno, this rider enters the arena, powers into the air and completes a stunning backflip. He waves triumphantly to the crowd, adrenaline rushing through his body.

We made that last part up, obviously.

There goes the no-claims bonus…

Nine cars were caught up in the aftermath of a duel between rookie Michael McDowell and David Gilliland at Watkins Glen. With eight laps to go, McDowell and Gilliland bumped door panels and slid across the track as they came around Turn 11. Seven other drivers were involved in the scary pile-up that followed.

Bobby Labonte came off worst - his car struck Gilliland’s, side-on - and he had to go to hospital for precautionary checks. He has since been released, with no serious injuries to report.

The race, which was red-flagged for 43 minutes because of this incident, was won by championship leader Kyle Busch.

Schumi involved in pedestrian crash in Kent

Michael Schumacher has had another motoring mishap, this time at the wheel of a Fiat Ducato van. He reportedly clipped a car dealer’s leg as he drove through the town of Lydd on Sunday afternoon (he was on his way to an airfield to catch a private jet). Martin Kingham, the unlucky dealer, described the incident as follows: “Out of nowhere I heard a bang from behind me. It spun me round and I was thrown forward on to my face, hitting the bonnet of a parked van. Then I saw a big blue van go by and realised they’d hit me. I thought I recognised the driver, but my head was spinning.”

Schumi reacted with typical contrition and good manners: he screamed “What the fucking hell were you doing in the road!” at Kingham and then refused to apologise. We couldn’t make it up.

Jesus does not Save

“That there bike got the Devil inside it.”

Yes, Reverend, you were owned by an instrument of Lucifer. Stick to a Segway next time.

Schumi bins it again

News has reached us that Herr Schumi crashed a prototype Ferrari road car last week while testing at the Nurburgring. What’s the German for oops?

The F1 legend was not injured when his 430 Scuderia hit a guardrail doing 250kph (about 160mph), but the car was written off. In Schumi’s defence, the notoriously tricky circuit was damp, making track conditions even more difficult than usual. He’s not the first professional racing driver to fall foul of the Nordschleife’s quirks, and he won’t be the last.

How come he never crashed this much in F1? If you include bike dumps, that’s about the fourth crash he’s had this year.

[Schumi’s bike woes]

Spanish rider flies off bike, again

Not for the first time this season, Jorge “Mad George” Lorenzo has parted company with his Yamaha in a big way.

At Sunday’s US MotoGP, he was bucked off his bike on the high side - one of the worst types of crash for a rider - and ended up in the gravel trap.Lorenzo broke a couple of bones in his left foot in the incident, and now faces a race to be fit for the next GP, at Brno next month.

This is Mad George’s third major injury of the season: he fractured his right leg and both ankles in a spectacular crash in China in May, and suffered concussion and a hand injury in a practice crash at Barcelona in June.

Lorenzo quotes below:

How not to take a corner at high speed

That’s gotta hurt.

Spanish rider lucky to escape serious injury

Dani, this is the safety wall… safety wall, this is Dani.

Honda Repsol rider Pedrosa slid off in wet conditions during Sunday’s MotoGP in Germany, and went face first into an inflatable safety wall. Thank the sweet lord that he did - he was tossed from his bike like a rag doll and flew into the wall with considerable force.

According to reports, Pedrosa broke his left wrist plus a finger in his left hand, and sprained an ankle. Like we said, it could have been much worse. Honda has not taken a decision yet on whether Pedrosa can ride in this week’s US MotoGP at Laguna Seca.

Watch a video of Pedrosa’s crash below: