Captain Slow turns off the charm

Unless you’re a billionaire, in which case it doesn’t matter what you say to girls, it’s best not to use a slightly creepy “Hello…” as your opening flirt gambit. And especially not when your victims targets are a good 15 years younger than you.

More Top Gear awards after the jump…

Best review ever? Yes, best review ever.

Does a chase around a Basingstoke shopping centre with a Corvette do anything for you? How about a Saving Private Ryan-style beach invasion…

Excellent work Jeremy, we’ll even forgive youfor re-hashing Boris Johnson’s comments in GQ Magazine.

Web geeks fulfill Clarkson’s prophecy

While putting a Lexus IS-F around the track (and casually ignoring the unscreened lap of the “cock’s choice” BMW M3) in last Sunday’s Top Gear, The Stig was listening to Morse Code. Pube-headed presenter Jeremy Clarkson quipped that someone on the internet would translate it, and guess what - they have!

According to the chaps at Jalopnik, it went down as follows…

First in-car Morse Code: “Too many gears”

Eight gears is a little excessive, yes.

Second in-car Morse Code: “I like Mr Sulu”

Really? We’re Nicola McLean fans personally

Two awesome supercars go head to head

First up, a little drag race, which the stupidly fast Veyron wins easily. No surprise there.

But which of the two cars was fastest around the Top Gear track? Click below to find out…

Clarkson crashes BIG

A classic Top Gear crash - it’s faked, of course, but that doesn’t prevent it being damn entertaining.

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Lewis has mad skillz, according to Top Gear’s test driver

In an interview with Simon Mayo on Radio Five Live, Top Gear presenter James May revealed what The Stig really thinks of Lewis Hamilton. Captain Slow said:

“The Stig said – in Stig language, which only a few people can understand – that he (Lewis) was phenomenally good at driving even an old snot-box like our reasonably-priced car, and he was only 22 then.”

May also said that he was surprised at just how good Hamilton was on the Top Gear track:

“Lewis Hamilton is the fastest person ever around our track. He was brilliant though, which is quite re-assuring, because there’s always a little bit of you that thinks ‘well is it really the driver or is it the car or is it the size of the tool kit or the size of the budget or something?’ but no, he was good.”

Crasher bonus! Watch Lewis on Top Gear

Man of mystery steps into the spotlight

Jeremy Clarkson and his co-presenters couldn’t be bothered to show up to the National Television Awards to collect Top Gear’s award for Best Factual Programme - so they sent The Stig instead.

Check out a video of The Stig’s amazing acceptance speech below:

Top Gear motormouth loses even more friends

After pissing off most of the lorry drivers in Britain, Clarkson has set his sights on an entire country. In his latest column for The Sun, the Top Gear presenter referred to Greece as “a toilet”. In the article, he also commented on a recent ad campaign by the Greek tourist board, which featured “a girl who didn’t look all that Greek either. She didn’t have a moustache for instance”.

Clarkson has previous with the Greeks, as the video below shows: